Idlebones

How to be a Milwwionnaire! (In Change)

I received one of those wonderful, bloody annoying con man emails
the other day, from an Oscar Simpson of The Royal Bank of Scotland.
Apparently, he is the account manager for a man who died on the
Concorde crash in 2001. In his emails he details how the unfortunate
man died without leaving a will, and that, in order to stop “Corrupt
Government officials” getting there hands on his $20 million and
change fortune, he had chosen me from the Royal bank of Scotland’s
database as a reputable customer that he could do business with.
To-wit: Getting me to provide my bank details so that he could send me
40% of the dosh for helping him get it out of the UK. He was obviously
unaware that the bank of Scotland chased me for two years until I paid
off a credit card bill I’d forgotten all about when I left England.
Encouraged by his faith in me, I sent him a reply to get the ball
rolling:
********************************************

Dear Mr Simpson,

I was dismayed to hear of Mr Kahle’s sad demise, and heartened to hear
that such a noble heart had taken it upon himself to ensure his
life’s’ memory would be honoured with such a brave act of generosity.
I’m sure Mr. Kahle will sleep soundly in his grave knowing that his
millions earned in the Oil and Petroleum sector will not go to corrupt
government officials and instead be put to good use elsewhere.

Below I have detailed my bank details as requested, but first, might I
make a suggestion that may go some way to ensure we can complete this
transaction quickly and securely.

As you are no doubt aware, working for such an esteemed bank as The
Royal Bank of Scotland, credit transfers are inherently wide open to
scrutiny by the same hateful corrupt government officials as you have
mention in your letter. I therefore believe we should take steps to
ensure this does not happen. The process is simplicity itself.

I suggest you write out 103500 cheques for 20 quid each and have your business
partners cash each one, thus ensuring we have our monies in tangiable,
unrecorded notes. Next, for extra security, take my portion of the
loot and exchange it for Euros at your local Bureau De Change. You may
have to visit quite a few, as changing such an large amount of money
may incur suspicion, not to mention angry confrontations as the queue
behind you gets impatient.

This is the clever part: I want you ask the bureau de change for your
euros to be broken down into 2 cent and 5 cent coins. (1 cent coins
are far to fiddly and just get lost in the couch). Then, on a
prearranged day on an agreed city high street, I can arrange to some
of my partners (sorry, “henchmen”) disguise themselves as Nuns
collecting for the starving babies of Africa. (Obviously some would be
engaged in singing songs and banging tambourines to give an air of
authenticity and realism, but for the most part they will shave their
beards abstain from smoking and stand holding out collection tins to
the passing public). It now will just require your colleagues to amble
nonchalantly past every so often depositing their allocated amount of
the monies (”stash”, sorry!). I suggest they adopt various disguises
to make them blend in with the public. No Nuns, however, as this may
arose curiosity.

Having received all of my 2 cents and 5 cent pieces, I shall ship them
out of the country in a large, specially designed, Sisters of the
Immaculate Emancipation charity donations Piggy bank. A Holy Trojan
horse that will evade all god fearing Gardai at Dublin Port, I assure
you!

Ireland does not tax charitable donations, thereby allowing me to
receive all my monies (”LOOT” God, sorry about this. It’s all so new
to me) without any of the proceeds getting into the hands of the
grubby, godless corrupt government officials over here. One in the eye
for the evil tyrants that run our political institutions!

By the way, could you, for reasons of security, in case we ever have
to meet, send me a picture of yourself. Preferably a full frontal. In
Lycra would be nice. And tights. I like tights.

As Promised, I have furnished you with my bank details:

Father Jim ‘Jimbo’ Sheridan
Sacred Order of Abstinence
Tory Island
Rep. Of Ireland

Bank of Ireland
9, Burning Bush Road
Ballydung Town
Tory Island
Acc No: 54324633463246
Telephone: 00353 91934500 (On Wash Days. Ask for Angela)

Email: Sexybitchinblack16@hotmail.com

I Await his reply eagerly.