Idlebones

Fackin Droggeda!

I’ve been in Slough these past two weeks, and last night and went,
down with a work colleague to the nearest pub to watch the,
European Cup final. I really should have known better.

We were standing in the beer garden having a chat, when a guy came
in in traditional thug uniform: 3/4 length track suit bottoms,
Italia top, Costa del Sol suntan, skin tight hair and black Mauri
tattoo’s up both arms. Naturally, was trailed by a girl who would
be pretty if she could remember how to smile, and two Staffordshire
terriers on leashes that looked like two big muscles with teeth.

“Owaight fellas”
“Howsit goin”
He turns as he spots the accent.

“FACKing Irish Lads, eh? FACKing nice. ‘aaansome. Here to watch the
FACKing game eh? Who you for then?”

He says with the kind of menacing leer that you only ever see in
movies. The one that says ‘I don’t really care about the answer, I’m
probably going to kill you anyway’

In these situations, I’m always relieved i have no particular
allegencies to a Premier League football team, prefering in fact to have a life,
rather then trying to live a vicarious one through a team that is
supposed to represent where I come from, but is in fact full of
players who would never live near me in a fit. I love watching football, but can’t
really find it in myself to pledge myself to any team who’s town I don’t
actually come from. If asked, I’m a Drogheda fan, which comes in handy,
as the towns pronounciation throws people just like this guy just long enough
for them to forget what it was they were about to kill me over…

“I’m a Drogheda Fan” I say

His eyes enlarge and his lips pull back over his teeth. I thought his
his scalp had suddenly shrunk.

“My FACKing sister married a FACKER from Droggedda!!”

Oh Jesus.

The long and the short of it was he was asked to leave the pub for
being to loud. He didn’t try to kill me or get his dogs to eat me as
it happens. He actually turned out to be a nice enough guy, but just
very very loud. He managed to get himself put out of a pub full of
drunken football fans, for being too loud. Quite an achievement.